Tags: bb gun


Louisville cops are the BEST COPS EVER.

This might be TL;DR but trust me, it's worth it.

Josh and I have a Red Ryder BB Gun.  Josh and I get BORED.  Josh and I like to shoot pedestrians from our 2nd story window (yes, I'm aware this probably makes me a horrible person, I don't particularly care).

Today, the internets DIED.  I was bored, so I took the gun to the man cave smoke room shooting range (aka the room where we smoke and from which we shoot people). There were no pedestrians, so I was shooting birds.  Josh comes in the room, we're just shooting at the for rent sign down the road.  Then these two guys walk past the house.  Despite the fact that we both had misgivings about shooting these people, we were like... y'know what, fuck it.  Josh shot the guy.  As we do every time we shoot someone, we went YES. FUCK. and then hid until they walked away.  These people didn't walk away.  We were army crawling through the apartment.  I go to the window, don't see them... look down, they're standing in the front yard. Go FUCKSHITDAMN. 

Decide I will walk out to smoke/see what these guys are about.  Pretend to be o.O about them being in my yard, ask them what they're doing in my yard.  They say someone in our house shot them with a pellet gun.  I am torn between LOL and FUCK. Went with asking if they were okay.  Guy was all, I'm fine but I have this HUGE WELT and shows it to me... it didn't even look like a mosquito bite.  I have been shot with a pump action BB Gun, that shit IS painful.  Our gun is spring loaded, it is more of a WTF than an OW.  I talk to them a while, pretend I live downstairs and don't know who lives upstairs.  Also tell them our landlord is not here (oh she totally was, but can't lie for SHIT). I am shaking like a LEAF.  I tell them I'm diabetic and have low blood sugar, the not-shot guy is all oh need your insulin. me... noooo, that would make my blood sugar even LOWER I need to eat (I am NOT actually diabetic, but thank fuck I know that low sugar DOES make you shaky as shit.) The guy CALLS THE COPS.  I am very OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK at this point, tell them I need to go eat but will check to see if the upstairs tenet is there.

Run upstair go OH FUCK JOSH WE NEED TO LEAVE POST HASTE.  We think very seriously about jumping out the window and driving away.  Decide this will be a bad. call. because we would probably just break ourselves if we jump out.  So I look at Josh and ask if he can lie.  He goes... I dunno, have cigarettes?  

We go back out.  Josh tells them he lives upstairs but has been playing video games and didn't hear anything.  Josh and I talk to them awhile while we wait for the cops.  Guys walk away to flag down the cops.  I look at Josh and go fuck... we can't lie to the cops... too much. So the two youngish WASPy cops walk over without the guy we shot.  I tell them that we shot them when we were shooting at a bird in a tree with our Red Ryder and it glanced off but we were afraid to tell the guys because they were big and we're not (they WERE big, but we totally could have taken them. They looked like pussies).  One of the cops is trying really hard not to laugh, and goes "A red ryder? One of those spring loaded BB Guns?" yep, one of those.  At this point he is grinning.  He asks if we have records, how old we are, etc. Then asks if we were aiming for the guy "Oh god no! We were shooting the bird! They get in my garden all the time. And it glanced off the tree and hit the guy!"

The cops are both trying not to laugh at this point.  One of them says he'll go talk to the guys, tell them it was an accident, and see what they want to do.  They walk back, the guys walk off (pointedly NOT looking at us at all).  The cops tell us we shouldn't shoot while there are people walking, because, and I quote "You might shoot someone's eye out".  And then the other cop says something about we shouldn't do it in the front yard because fish and wildlife might get mad. Both cops laugh about fish and wildlife.  We apologize for them having to come out for this, they're just laughing.  They leave, Josh and I wait for them to get out of sight and then just laugh. a lot.  I'm still breaking into random giggles an hour later.

I think my favorite part was how the cop OBVIOUSLY thought the guy was a pussy for making this much of a fuss over getting hit with a red ryder.  And the Christmas Story jokes.  I love Louisville cops.